Current mood:

thoughtful

I'm not dead
So.... yeah. It's been a long time since I've done much of anything. I'm not sure where to start since there's been a lot of stuff on my mind and a bunch of stuff I've been made aware of that I've been too blind to see myself. I guess I'll start with my isolation for the good part of the year and hope that leads into things. As I'm sure anyone could tell, I've had a rollercoaster of a year this year. I won't go into any details since most of them are detailed very nicely just on this front page. Somewhere along the way, I got a girlfriend which added a lot more to the ride. It's been crazy having various shitty things happen, going through moving to a different place, and then adding a lot of unknowns when it comes to relationships since this is my first. So for much of this year, instead of venting on here, talking with various people, doing my normal stuff on and offline, and basically anything I normally do, I've kept a lot to myself. Not that I haven't really done that before, but it was taken to a new level. No matter how much in the past I would do something similar, I would never shut myself out so much that interfered with my normal way of life so much. Why I've done this I'm still not sure, hell, I may understand more by the time I'm done because I'm trying to type as I think through this all. In the middle of this isolation, somehow I got together with Kait and it got to the point where I was sharing a lot of my feelings and emotions I was keeping to myself with her and finally slowly letting everything out. It felt good getting them out. Along the way through talking and stuff with her, I've become aware of my flaws, the big one being simple minded, as for some reason I always seem to think that there's easy ways to deal with things and that problems are essentially over once things are dealt with and such, and that's just an example of how I'm simple minded. It's a gateway to even more things which I can't even begin to list. Seeing these flaws in me for the first time was kind of a shocker. I'm not saying I ever thought I was perfect or anything of the sort, it's just that I have discovered various things about myself that I didn't know existed. So those things have been on my mind a lot lately, and because of that, I reverted back to a point long ago where I would basically just shut myself out except to a few people. There's a big difference this time around though. Way back when I did that shit, I was quite a bit of a loner and didn't have many friends, so doing that wasn't really that big a deal. Nowadays, it's the opposite, as I broke out of my shell a while ago and have many friends both IRL and online. However I went about it the same way, and never thought much about anyone else, being very selfish. I've been made aware recentally of just how badly I've shut out so much lately, and that various people are actually worried about me. In some ways, I can't really understand why, but that may be beacuse I've been pretty low on self-esteem for a while now so I might be confised about how anyone could care about someone at such a low point. But then in other ways I can understand why because I know I would be for any of my friends if they were going through tough times. Except for lately though, since I've been horribly selfish about myself to not pay that much attention to other things going on around me. And I want to apologize for that, I've basically been a jackass and not worrying about much of anything outside of me. I've basically left behind a good chunck of my friends off and online, as well as various obligations. Anytime that I probably could've done something, I've just been too lazy to take some initiative and haven't really seemed to care. It's been killing me inside because I know I'm unhappy like that, yet I somehow gave up and until tonight, never really made any strides to get myself closer to where I was. I know I'll never get there again, too much has happened for me to just go back to how I used to be, but I know I can get back on track at least.

I could go on and on about various other things, but I think the general idea was shown fairly well and I know I'd end up repeating myself a bunch of times, if I haven't done so already. ^^;;; But I wanted to explain what's been going on and apologize for my big isolation from the world. I've got a lot of things to work out with in my head, but I'm done shutting everything else out. This is my first step to getting back into the swing of things, and I'm going to make sure it's not the only step and keep working on everything from here. And once again I'm sorry for reating the way I did to my problems by shutting out almost everything. It wasn't the right way to go about it and I feel bad about anything that may have happened that I wasn't there for someone on or anything of the sort. I do feel a bit better now getting all that off my chest and finally doing something about my problems instead of sitting around doing nothing while waiting for good things to happen. It's about time I did something and I'm happy that I finally am.